A Leftist Argument for Gun Ownership

Tongue not entirely in cheek.

Hi there. This is The Thing That Watches. I’ve temporarily hijacked this blog from the racist, misogynistic nazi … no, you’re a nazi. I don’t care if you hate all socialists. Fascists aren’t socialists. No, that party platform was just there to fool the people! Yes, they even nationalized industries just to fool people! Now shut the fuck up, I’m writing here!

My fellow SJW’s may be surprised that I believe “firearms” have their place in the proper leftists and progressives lifestyle. No less a socialist than Orwell – you knew he was a socialist, right? Suck it all of you who thought he was anti socialism or communism just because he wrote about an oppressive “Ingsoc” or Animal Farm”!

Anyway.

Orwell wrote that the gun over the mantle was the sign of a free englishman. Now, I know he’s a product of his times so please forgive the misuse of pronouns, and the assumption of gender implicit in his use of imperialist language that he was brainwashed into using as a child, and his assumption of any kind of english cultural supremacy as anything that should be preserved in the face of our less advantaged brothers, sisters, and otherkin across the world. And whatever other pronouns are current.

While we usually don’t listen to old, dead, white men, the saying that “power corrupts” is a recognized truth. Those with systemic power are oppressors, and those without it can never be racist, sexist, etc. And Mao taught us, reminded us, that power flows from the barrel of a gun. Thus, the oppressed threw off their yokes, took up arms, and vanquished the evils of western white male patriarchy throughout the world in Russia, North Korea, China, Cuba, Venezuela, and they tried in places like Nicaragua – where if they had been better armed they may have stood up to the right wing death squads – damn those capitalist alt-right patriarchal pig dogs!

This systemic power, backed up by their frequent access to guns, is why police get away with oppressing the people, and beating up defenseless black people who didn’t do anything.

So consider that by taking advantage of the second amendment instead of protesting it, we may better put a stop to the cops, and the other alt-right nazis and formerly so-called “liberal” professors who gave away their true allegiances by pretending they actually care about free speech. We deny them the ability to oppress us so that we can form a glorious society of sustainable resources and energy, with low environmental impact, and defend the ever growing contingent of LGBTBLTBBQ… however many we’re up to and more.

Some may ask, how many of us need to be armed to have equivalent power to one white straight male – yes, I’m aware I’m assuming his gender – given the systemic power and privilege they have, but the question is irrelevant if they have both the privilege, AND the guns.

And once we have overthrown the yoke of oppression and declared victory, we can turn in our guns and bask in the glorious future, protected by the right people being in charge.