Growing out of Codependence

While my dad was not perfect, it was courtesy of female teachers, and far too much feminist propaganda growing up, that I all too readily believed my mother about his faults, or failed to see the role she played.

One result was a long-delayed and ongoing struggle to outgrow “nice-guy” and codependent behaviors (as an aside, No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Glover was a total eye-opener, and I’d already started the journey well before). Thus this recent piece by Aurini caught my attention, and is worth considering. One excerpt:

People treat you the way that you allow them to treat you.  In the case of ToastedCookieOats, he tolerated behaviour that was utterly beyond the pale, and then rewarded her for it with a “Thank you!” message.  If she hadn’t blown him off, he likely would have showed up for a second helping of being ignored.  The Navy Seal who’s terrified of his wife didn’t become that way after he put the ring on her and she revealed her true face.  There were always warning signs – worse than warning signs, he’d been actively encouraging her to behave this way during the earliest phases of their courtship.  Rather than worrying about her emotional needs, he’d been worrying about the trappings of their relationship.  He’d chosen appearance over essence, time and again.  Maybe he wanted a hot piece of arm candy.  Maybe he wanted a Traditional Life™ complete with two SUVs in the driveway, and a McMansion off base.  Despite the great instincts he’d developed for operating in the field – or in business – or in the meat market – his personal life was nothing but a consumer product.